I was over tidying up my Myspace page and found a post from last year about Father's Day. Thought I'd repost here in case anyone missed it over there. It's still how I feel...
when i was a kid, i remember father's day being this great, wonderful day. the week before, my sister and i would go with my mom somewhere to buy the next great father's day gift. it could be a tie, a belt, some wonderful new blue dress socks, a wrench set, or some other typical father's day gift. we'd go to church on that sunday, and then gather at my maternal grandparents' house for a great lunch. it was always a wonderful, wonderful day.
but the day isn't about what you get your dad, it's about celebrating your dad. about thanking him for all he does for you, about telling him you love him as much as he loves you.
well, i know we all may not have the best relationships with our fathers, but that is how i feel about it.
when i got to college, i remember i didn't usually have the money to get my dad a great gift, but i would always hang out with him or call if i couldn't be there. and he didn't care that i didn't get him a gift, although he jokingly kept tabs on how many gifts i owed him from the ones i missed. but giving him a hug and telling him i loved him was really all he needed and wanted.
after college, it was much the same, but not one year went by that i didn't let my dad know what he meant to me.
in 1999, after having lived with my dad for almost a year after he and my mom separated (they got back together in 2000), i moved back to lexington. at the time, i felt it was the best thing for me, but i'm not as sure that it was the best thing for my dad. he was still feeling lonely and didn't know what to do, and i left. but you know what he did? he supported me. he was the one to kind of pushed me to do that. he came with me to lexington to find a place to live, to check out the school i wanted to go to. he never balked. he did it because he loved me.
for father's day that year, i again wasn't able to buy him a gift or to visit him. but for the first time in my life, i wrote my dad a letter. by that time he and my mom were reconciling, he was overcoming some problems he had, and things were certainly looking up for him, finally. in that letter, i told him that i was sorry i couldn't see him, but that i was extremely proud of him "for the man he was, for the man he is, and for the man he would be." i really just laid it out on the line like never before.
over the next few years each summer and at christmas i'd try to go home for a week or two to visit my folks. my dad was retired so that gave the two of us so much time to hang out, to catch up, to enjoy each others' company. and when it came down to it, he would do just about anything i wanted. we always would hit the movie theatre a couple times, usually seeing something i wanted to see, but he always said he enjoyed it. and truthfully, i think he did. he would go to the comic book store with me even though he really had no interest in comics. i would go to home depot and lowes with him, even though i really had no interest in those places. we were growing closer than we ever had before. i can remember around christmas 2005/january 2006 i was home and dad and i went to see "the family stone" one day and then the next we went to see "fun with dick and jane".
those were the last two films we'd ever see together.
in february of '06, he died.
when i was home for the funeral, i was looking through some materials of dad's, just looking for a piece of him, a memory of him that i could hold on to. while looking through the materials, i couldn't believe what i found -- the letter i had written him for father's day back in 99. i couldn't believe it. i knew dad was a pack rat, but in the time that had passed since i wrote the letter, he had moved a couple times, and this letter was in the top drawer of his desk. it wasn't filed away, it wasn't at the bottom of a storage box. it was in his desk. up to that point, i, of course had cried plenty, but when i found that letter, i didn't think i could stand it. and the tears gushed. i eulogized my dad at his funeral. instead of telling so many stories about him, that the people who were there would already know, i just read that letter, a letter he had not shared with anyone, even my mom. i read the letter and cried, like i am right now.
and here it is, the day we as a culture have set aside to celebrate our fathers. it is about a year and half after my dad died. a lot of things have happened, except for one important thing. i love my dad. i think i love him more than i ever could have thought possible. he was my best friend, especially over the past few years. he was a great father, a great husband, a great man.
he was the love of my life, and i certainly wasn't done with him. but there is nothing i can do about that, except love him. and i do.
i miss him so much it hurts. and that is a hurt that will never go away. i have a hole that will never be filled.
i love you dad.
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