Life Happens

So, had to head home Tuesday unexpectedly. Mom had gone through a stress test a while back and the docs saw something suspicious. As a result, they scheduled a cardiac catheterization for yesterday. She was a nervous wreck, and of course I was worried as well.

As you may know, that's basically what led to the end for my Dad. And I wasn't there for him during it.

So, I dropped everything and headed home. There were things I had planned this week that I really wanted to do, things to advance my dream a bit, but you know, life happens and it's important to prioritize. And since February 2006, my No. 1 priority is my family.

Therefore, I am missing a film showing and filmmaker Q&A tonight and unfortunately I had to delay the start of editing on the short film I've been working on.

Anyway, the procedure was yesterday and the doc said he was pleasantly surprised by what he saw. It wasn't nearly as bad as he thought it might be. As a result, no further medical procedures are necessary. We just need to get Mom to quit smoking. Which she has vowed to do.

Old and Forgetful

That is what I am. I know, I know, you're saying, "No, Brad, you aren't old." Well, I might give you that, but I am forgetful. Prime example:

Back in early December 2007, I ordered some magazines through an online company for my nephew for Christmas. In an effort to not feel left out, I ordered a title for myself, too. I have yet to receive it. It's been nearly 7 months. 7 months! But I never called to check on it because I had completely forgotten I had ordered it. Until yesterday when I was straightening up a little around the old apartment (see my things are old, as well) and came across a copy of the magazine I had purchased last year.

How in the world could I go so long without thinking of it? First of all I read too many magazines. Well, I certainly subscribe to too many. Here's the rundown: Entertainment Weekly (I gave up on the magazine a few years ago because I found some of the reviews and stories just short of ridiculous. I was subscribing to Premiere Magazine at the time. It was a 10-issue a year mag devoted to movies. I loved it. Well, Premiere went to an online only version not long ago. Not long after that I got an offer in the mail to go back to Entertainment Weekly for $10. How could I pass up on a weekly magazine for $10 for a year? Well, I couldn't and now Entertainment Weekly clutters my tables and desks.), Comics Buyers Guide, Filmmaker Magazine, Movie Maker Magazine, Fade In (another movie mag), Creative Screenwriting, Script Magazine (another screenwriting mag) and the Hollywood Reporter (which is a daily!). Now, I've called about my subscription to Moving Pictures Magazine. The great thing about Moving Pictures is that they include a DVD with every issue. The issue I bought last year included the winning short films from the mag's film contest. There is another magazine I'd love to subscribe to and that's Empire Magazine. Unfortunately, it is a British mag, and subscribing to it would cost me more than what I pay on the newsstand. So, I just buy it off the newsstand. But not every month because it costs $10 an issue.

Anyway, I'm forgetful.

And don't you forget it!

Quote of the Day - 6/18/08

"Unless you are proactive, others will determine the course your life will take."

- Unknown

Father's Day part 2

I was over tidying up my Myspace page and found a post from last year about Father's Day. Thought I'd repost here in case anyone missed it over there. It's still how I feel...

when i was a kid, i remember father's day being this great, wonderful day. the week before, my sister and i would go with my mom somewhere to buy the next great father's day gift. it could be a tie, a belt, some wonderful new blue dress socks, a wrench set, or some other typical father's day gift. we'd go to church on that sunday, and then gather at my maternal grandparents' house for a great lunch. it was always a wonderful, wonderful day.

but the day isn't about what you get your dad, it's about celebrating your dad. about thanking him for all he does for you, about telling him you love him as much as he loves you.

well, i know we all may not have the best relationships with our fathers, but that is how i feel about it.

when i got to college, i remember i didn't usually have the money to get my dad a great gift, but i would always hang out with him or call if i couldn't be there. and he didn't care that i didn't get him a gift, although he jokingly kept tabs on how many gifts i owed him from the ones i missed. but giving him a hug and telling him i loved him was really all he needed and wanted.

after college, it was much the same, but not one year went by that i didn't let my dad know what he meant to me.

in 1999, after having lived with my dad for almost a year after he and my mom separated (they got back together in 2000), i moved back to lexington. at the time, i felt it was the best thing for me, but i'm not as sure that it was the best thing for my dad. he was still feeling lonely and didn't know what to do, and i left. but you know what he did? he supported me. he was the one to kind of pushed me to do that. he came with me to lexington to find a place to live, to check out the school i wanted to go to. he never balked. he did it because he loved me.

for father's day that year, i again wasn't able to buy him a gift or to visit him. but for the first time in my life, i wrote my dad a letter. by that time he and my mom were reconciling, he was overcoming some problems he had, and things were certainly looking up for him, finally. in that letter, i told him that i was sorry i couldn't see him, but that i was extremely proud of him "for the man he was, for the man he is, and for the man he would be." i really just laid it out on the line like never before.

over the next few years each summer and at christmas i'd try to go home for a week or two to visit my folks. my dad was retired so that gave the two of us so much time to hang out, to catch up, to enjoy each others' company. and when it came down to it, he would do just about anything i wanted. we always would hit the movie theatre a couple times, usually seeing something i wanted to see, but he always said he enjoyed it. and truthfully, i think he did. he would go to the comic book store with me even though he really had no interest in comics. i would go to home depot and lowes with him, even though i really had no interest in those places. we were growing closer than we ever had before. i can remember around christmas 2005/january 2006 i was home and dad and i went to see "the family stone" one day and then the next we went to see "fun with dick and jane".

those were the last two films we'd ever see together.

in february of '06, he died.

when i was home for the funeral, i was looking through some materials of dad's, just looking for a piece of him, a memory of him that i could hold on to. while looking through the materials, i couldn't believe what i found -- the letter i had written him for father's day back in 99. i couldn't believe it. i knew dad was a pack rat, but in the time that had passed since i wrote the letter, he had moved a couple times, and this letter was in the top drawer of his desk. it wasn't filed away, it wasn't at the bottom of a storage box. it was in his desk. up to that point, i, of course had cried plenty, but when i found that letter, i didn't think i could stand it. and the tears gushed. i eulogized my dad at his funeral. instead of telling so many stories about him, that the people who were there would already know, i just read that letter, a letter he had not shared with anyone, even my mom. i read the letter and cried, like i am right now.

and here it is, the day we as a culture have set aside to celebrate our fathers. it is about a year and half after my dad died. a lot of things have happened, except for one important thing. i love my dad. i think i love him more than i ever could have thought possible. he was my best friend, especially over the past few years. he was a great father, a great husband, a great man.

he was the love of my life, and i certainly wasn't done with him. but there is nothing i can do about that, except love him. and i do.

i miss him so much it hurts. and that is a hurt that will never go away. i have a hole that will never be filled.

i love you dad.

Father's Day

It's Father's Day #3 since my Dad died.

Guess I have something else to add to my "I Hate" list.

Crying is something I didn't want to do today, but sometimes, you just can't help it.

Maybe one day it will get better. Won't it?

I hate...

a number of things. And over the past week, I've been hating a lot. Unfortunately, this is very unlike me.

Now, I don't hate people, just things. It's a lot easier to hate something than someone. However, there are three people in particular who I could hate if I thought too much about a certain incident from December 2006, but luckily I've been able to keep it mostly out of my mind.

There are some things lately that I hate. Namely, I hate being ignored. Does that sound bad? I don't mean, I shouldn't be ignored all the time. I mean in certain instances. If I call you and ask a question or need you to call me back... just do it. If I am asking for something and you don't call because you don't want to give it to me, I don't care. I won't be mad. Just tell me. If I e-mail and ask a question, e-mail me back and answer my question. It's not that difficult. I don't care what the answer is, just respond. Even if I ask how you're doing, a sentence will do. If I need some information and you have the information, just let me know if you can. If you can't tell me, tell me that, too. I don't care, either way, I would like a response.

Sorry about the rant, but I just needed to get it off my chest.

And like I said, I don't hate often. But as Prince once sang, "It's more hard to love than it is to hate."

The Fallout After a Kickass Weekend

My nephew visited me for the weekend. He's 17 now and it seems that even though I'm twice as old as he is, he is now at a great age for us to have a number of common interests. As a result, we get along greatly and we have a great time when we are together.

This past weekend was no exception.

But with each visit, there comes the inevitable end to the fun and games. And it sucks.

I've lived alone for a long, long time. I'm used to it and it's just, for now, a life I'm accustomed to. However, I guess, as is the case for most people, there is only so much alone time you can handle. While I am used to it, when I do hang out with my nephew, it's like crashing when he's gone. For three days, it's constant action, doing this, doing that... It quickly becomes something I get used to and don't want be without. But it ends, and that's it.

I'm alone again. And it's a weight that seems unbearable for a day or two.

I always get over it. But that doesn't make it suck any less.

In the past, I used to call my Dad and talk to him when I felt overwhelmingly alone. I can't do that now.

Which makes it suck more.

By the end of the week, I'll probably feel better. But right now...

Best part of the 2008 MTV Movie Awards

... was this video.

Quote of the Day - 6/6/08

"It'll do until 'Dark Knight' comes out, then you're screwed."

Ben Stiller's nephew Carl responding to Robert Downey Jr. asking if he liked "Iron Man" in their "Tropic Thunder" viral video.

Quote of the Day - 6/3/08

"Did you know that the title ‘Detective Comics’ was the impetus for naming the company ‘DC’? Thank god their flagship wasn’t ‘All Star Superman.’ "

Neil Kleid on blog.newsarama.com